A Modest Proposal

Newt Gingrich is a flippin’ genius.

Get rid of school janitors (well, at the poor schools), and let the poor 9- to 14-year-olds take over cleaning duties. It would teach them responsibility, get a little (presumably VERY little) money in their pockets, save the schools money . . . Everybody wins, right? If a few of the kids suffer life-ending or life-altering injuries, what the hey? We’ve got too many people in the country, anyway.

He may be onto something, but hasn’t quite gotten there yet. Let me help him along.

First of all, scrap this idea: Child labor laws were enacted for a lot of very good reasons. The “age limit” aspect, though, bears consideration.

After watching the so-called “Super Committee” in (in)action over the past few weeks, it occurs to me that we need to scrap the age minimums for our elected representatives. Instead of watching 12 “grown” men and women carp at each other, imagine putting a dozen 4-year-olds in the same room and letting them go at it. They would likely make just as much progress, and doubtlessly would be a lot more entertaining to watch.

Semi-seriously, I free-associated into wondering what would happen if you presented a “Budget Challenge” to high schools throughout the country? Schools would select 12 students, based solely on academic records, with maybe extracurricular activities as tie-breakers. Give them the same budget information that the Super Committee had to work with, then a semester or so to work out “deals.” At the end of the school year, each school’s proposed budget would be presented to a national panel of “adult” judges drawn NOT from Congress, but from a wider spectrum.

The budget with the most savings, with cuts and increases shared most equitably and with most clearly the best interests of America as a goal, would win.

The prize? Haven’t gotten that one figured out yet. Maybe the winning team would be given the option to select one lawmaker from each party to go at it, gladiator style, in, say, the Capitol building. Their weapons would be rubber swords, Nerf bats, and bubble-blow, and they would be wearing diapers (after a pre-bout meal liberally spiced with the laxative and the diuretic of their choice). The audience would be limited to congresspersons (mandatory attendance, plus mandatory sharing in the pre-bout meal), their staffers, lobbyists (may need to change the venue to a football stadium or Olympic arena to accommodate them all), Grover Norquist and Sarah Palin, as well as television crews, of course.

Plus Newt Gingrich.

Unfortunately, unless he gets elected to something (wasn’t he essentially driven out of Washington in disgrace, lo these many years ago?), he won’t be qualified for selection as a “gladiator.”

Salamander- or chameleon- or otherwise reptilian-boy Newt could handle the housekeeping duties after the fight, though. He would even share the same pre-bout meal and wear the same uniform as the combatants, with one minor change to differentiate him from them: A nice big letter “A” tattooed in scarlet ink on his back, just to remind us all of the moral high ground he occupies overlooking all of us.

But that would probably constitute "cruel and unusual" punishment (Nancy Pelosi in a diaper???  Jim Boehner???  Aaaarrrrgghh).  In the case of Congress and Newt, it is probably warranted.

If this gives you the impression that I've lost whatever respect I might ever have had (not much) for our legislators, you're very perceptive.